Aries (March 20 to April 20): Romance is in the air and your lungs this month and an unfortunate case of the Avian Flu will send you flying, lovesick, straight into the arms of Dr. McDreamy.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 to Nov. 22): They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but the stars recommend something harder, perhaps a coconut?

Virgo (Aug. 23 to Sept. 23): Your plans to make the first manned mission to Mars will fall short this week when you discover, rather painfully, that fireworks attached to roller-skates are not a viable way to exit the atmosphere.

Leo (July 23 to Aug. 23):  So it might have been a little weird that you twirled down the hall. But sometimes you’re too awesome that people don’t understand you. Just keep doing you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 to Dec. 22): You’re sexy, you’re hot, you’re everything they’re not. Seize the day!

Libra (Sept. 23 to Oct. 23): There are thousands of reasons for you to never give up on finding love. Unfortunately for you, none of them are all that great.

Cancer (June 21 to July 23): Wear more red this month; it brings out your eyes. Wear more black—it brings out your soul.

Gemini (May 21 to June 21): You’re in for a school-related failure, but just remember to not be deGRADEd and keep up the positive mental attitude!

Pisces (Feb. 18 to March 20): You might find a penny on the ground. You might not.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 to Jan. 20): There’s not much in the cards for you this time. There’s not much in the stars either…even your fortune cookie is blank…I’m at a loss. Try again next time.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18): This month you’ll kindle a sharp romance with something with a solid, wooden exterior, but a dark and artistic heart. Just keep the public displays of affection to a minimum, no one wants to see you making out with a pencil in the hallways.